Public vs. Private Golf Course Mentality

Old School - Will Ferrell hammered at Frat party vs. Will Ferrell debating

Rarely does our preparation and focus change much in the game of the golf. This is because 99% of us frequent public golf courses. While affordable and practical, it's easy to not take round prep and game play seriously when conditions are less than stellar and rounds take over 5 hours. When the opportunity arises to experience a private course, round prep and game play require an enhanced mental focus throughout.


Typical timelines of a Saturday afternoon tee time:


Private Course aka National Birchwood Coast Golf Club

You and I are not exclusive members of this luxurious 18-hole pasture. We are lucky to get a slight glimpse of the extravagant clubhouse when cruising on the suburban back roads in our used '03 Toyota Corolla. When invited as a guest to accompany a member, I view it as not only an honor, but a privilege.



5:06 pm

I better sneak on over to the local driving range after work. My game has been on point in recent weeks, but I should take a couple hacks just to make sure my swing is producing modest ball striking and the accuracy of my shots is not flirting with Narnia. I know this isn’t going to matter on the first tee, when the wind is at my face, I’m looking at a 210 uphill par 3, and the starter is eyeing me like a hawk…but practice makes perfect I guess.

7:12 pm

Definitely going to construct a home-cooked meal tonight. I’m thinking some grilled chicken with brown rice and a mix of various frozen vegetables. My body will be thanking me tomorrow and I’ll be physically prepared if Trevor (insert any preppy name here) wants to walk.

9:39 pm

Should I sneak over to the bars tonight? I could casually sip some Jack and Cokes just to see how the playing field is and plant some seeds if the situation allows. Nah, I need to rest up. I’ll throw on The Dark Knight Rises and melt into the couch.


9:47 am

Holy shit, this must be what Jesus feels like every time he wakes up in his cloud-bed in heaven. I don’t think I should be saying holy shit and Jesus in the same sentence, but I’ll deal with that at the pearly gates. Better stretch out and chug some water to get the blood flowing. I’ll scramble some eggs, throw on a pot of Joe, and ease into the day with some Fox Sports 1 highlights (Fuck ESPN).

10:48 am

I’ll start making some moves since the 12:30 pm tee time is sneaking up on me. Definitely gonna sport the Calvin Klein khakis and the navy blue Nike polo. I’ll throw the Callaway visor in the car as well. Might be a little sunny today. I promised Trevor I’d bring some beverages so I better start making my way towards the course.

11:30 am

Main Street Bottle Stop always has the greatest selection of beer. Classy is the call here. It’s between Bud Light Platinums or Stellas. I’ll ask the cashier what he thinks…I fucking knew Stellas were classier even though they are both made by the almighty beer communist Anhueser-Busch. I think a 12 pack is more than enough.

12:14 pm

These practice greens are like putting on glass. At least I’ll know what to expect out on the track. This course is a fucking masterpiece. I definitely don’t belong in this kingship of a property. If I'm being honest with myself, I'm a tad nervous about playing a course of this magnitude.

12:30 pm

Fuck, the starter has already pegged me as an outsider. Now I know what Sam (Squid) felt like on Rocket Power. No biggie, my 4 iron has been money lately and Trev already hit it way short…….shit, hooked it a little left, but its passable and  is a lot better than duffing it 13 yards like I kept envisioning in my head.

1:17 pm

Man, they really test you out of the gate. I’ve only lost 1 ball and even then, I still saved a bogey Mariano Rivera style. I feel like I’d be shellacking Trevor if I was able to play this masterpiece every day like him. Can’t forget to cop an Instagram and a couple snaps so the ladies presume this is my typical Saturday afternoon. I’ll caption it with “another day another birdie”…Do I throw a couple dollar signs in there so people think I’m hauling in paper now? Nah, keep it casual.

2:55 pm

Given the difficulty of this track, I’m delivering an extremely respectable performance. Maybe Trev will invite me more often, that waspy fuck. I’m wondering if it’s my heightened focus or the extraordinary rest I endured last night. Either way, I’m thoroughly proud with myself heading into the back nine.

4:39 pm

Struggled a bit on the latter half of the back nine, but pieced together an honest 89. I’m also pleased with myself that I didn’t need to guzzle down all 6 of the Stellas. Stayed right in my wheel house by polishing off 4. It’s amazing how fast the round plays when you aren’t stuck with or behind those impoverished public course rookies. Trevor uses his father’s membership, but I bet this wouldn’t be a bad investment considering the plethora of public rounds I play a year. Where’s the general manager? I may inquire about a membership here.

4:47 pm

Oh it’s $20,000 in upfront fees and $450 per month afterwards? I’m good.


Public Course aka Grassy Farms Golf Course

Ah ole reliable. Affordable, friendly, and everyone on the planet plays here on the weekends. Better not make any other plans today,  you’ll spend a solid 6 hours hacking it from uncut rough and cursing at the choppy greens. Whether you book a sought after morning tee time in advance or stumble out of bed that morning to sneak out at dusk, public course preparation is indistinguishable.


5:06 pm

What a god damn soul-sucking week of work that was. I know the boys wanna get a round in tomorrow. I should call Grassy Farms and check their mid-morning availability, but the work crowd wants to indulge in some Chili’s happy hour specials. It wouldn’t be right to not at least knock back a couple half-price margaritas and try the table-side guacamole again. I’ll call the course a little later.

7:12 pm

Jesus Christ, Janet from accounting knows how to slam margs. Why does she keep buying more for me? I should cease now as a few more beverages might make her 4'11 overly-roundish frame seem appealing. Probably too late to call the clubhouse, but I’ll text Ryan to have him do it as I’m clearly preoccupied at this palace they call Chili’s.

9:39 pm

I was wondering why the bartender kept laughing every time he brought me the next margarita. I now realize it’s because James slipped him a 20 to make them all doubles. How can I really be mad at that? Besides the fact that I’m notably inebriated, I got free booze out  of the deal. Where the heck did Janet go? I’m upset with myself that I just actually asked myself that. Nice, Ryan was able to book a 1:10 tee time tomorrow. Plenty of time to sleep in tomorrow. Time to hit the bars.


12:02 am

I’m not really a club guy, but this place is pretty sick and I’m highly intoxicated. Isn’t that the girl from the Real World? I’m gonna go initiate a conversation. You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take as the great one would say. Wow, she was a bitch. Does my breath really smell like enchiladas? Damnit Chili’s. I should probably head back home. Need to be able to at least deliver a sub 100 round. Wait, is that Janet?

2:17 am

Well, being that Janet is glued to my arm, I guess this is really happening. Where the fuck is that uber? They better not surge price me again those pricks. Is Papa John’s open?

11:04 am

What the hell happened last night? And why are their copious pizza slices encompassing my entire mattress? Only two texts huh? First is from James: “You animal”. Severely concerned whether that has good or bad connotations. Second is from Janet: “You cared about the damn pizza more than anything I had to say so I had the Uber take me home. You have some issues.” Phew! Dodged a bullet there. That explains the pizza crime scene I’m currently engulfed in. Did I murder the pizza or have sex with it? That’s a case for CSI, not my hung-over lifeless brain.

11:42 am

McDonald’s or Taco breakfast? I guess my decision depends on which is least likely to give me diarrhea on the golf course. Fuck it, I’ll get an AM Crunchwrap…it fits my current state. Shit, I gotta start haulin’ ass if I’m gonna grab some brewskis on the way.

12:39 pm

The only feasible place to get booze is Village Convenience because it’s on the way. I always feel like I’m getting hosed for shitty beer here. 30 of Busch Lattes, done. $27? I’m clearly getting fleeced in broad daylight but I don’t have time to haggle with Vladimir on this one.

1:12 pm

Couple minutes late, but that’s a win in my book since I did not pull over on the freeway to vomit nor did I forget to grab the booze…Jesus Christ I’m wearing jeans. Sometimes I’m convinced by brain has already given up hope in this lifetime. Here comes Corey with the golf cart to grab me valet style. I doubt we fucked up the starting times that badly.

1:46 pm

Those uptight tour wannabe assholes pushed our tee time back 35 minutes. At least they are letting me play in jeans. All I had to tell them was that my house burned down a few days ago. I’m incredibly hung over and this sun is sucking every ounce of fluid out of me like a god damn vacuum. Hooked the opening drive into the thicket. I’ll find it.

3:01 pm

It’s hot as the devil’s dick out here and I’m playing like fecal matter. Regardless, it’s important to guzzle down plentiful Busch Lattes to re-gain the lost liquid. What’s that myth about dog hairs after a night of drinking?

4:28 pm

I’d like to proclaim that the “hair of the dog” myth is no longer a myth, but a hypothesized and tested study where I am in fact, the lab rat. Five beers later and five pars in a row have me on top of the world, or at least atop this overgrown wasteland.

6:37 pm

This round began a little treacherous, but I turned it around rapidly and made it quite respectable. I learned that I need to start my day off with a few mimosas or bloody mary’s to ensure I have a flowing stream of toxins in my system at all times. All the fellas are riled up as well right now. 19th hole is beckoning.

8:12 pm

Pretty disappointed, but at the same time, impressed that we are ubering from the 19th hole to the bars. I’ve decided that I’m sporting jeans every time I golf from here on out…I wonder what Janet is up to?  


Images via Youtube and Youtube


Trackbacks & Pings

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