Election Season: Who Would You Golf With?

2016 Election - Donald Trump on the Golf Course
Time for the bros to get political. No, I'm not going to tell you who to vote for…what you do off the course is none of my business. Your poor life decisions should have no bearing on your golf game, unless you ate Thai food before heading out for 18 holes, because that shit will catch up with you quick. 

I'm not even going to tell you who to pick to round out your foursome; we live in a free country so you have the right to invite whoever the hell you want. This isn't Russia where you're forced to play with a bear and a shirtless Vladimir Putin.

Ok enough bullshit. Here's how the candidates would round out your group:
 
 
Ben Carson:
"Trust me, I'm a doctor"
I know the Doctor is not in but he gets an honorable mention here. Dr. Droopy Eyes is 100% guaranteed to sleep through your tee time even though he signed up with you weeks ago. Too unreliable to make the cut. Plus he'd talk about the time he tried to stab someone and you would all have to play it off like it's not a big deal. You'd have to take the word "Shank" outta your golf vocabulary for a day.
 
 
John Kasich:
'Why am I here?"
Did I even spell his name right? Does it even matter? John Kasich is the nice guy you only invite when you can't find anyone else to play. He's probably a nice guy and a decent golfer. I could see him barely breaking a 100 on a good day. The problem is when you get to your car to go home he's going to hang around for too long and make things awkward. Just know when to say goodbye. Rounds' over chief, time to head home. We're too busy to do the thing you want to go do at whatever time you want to do it regardless of the time.
 
 
Bernie Sanders:
This is the face of the man who has never played at a private country club
Bernie is the guy taking mulligans on every hole instead of the proper one per nine. The dude also wants to play best ball so everyone gets the same fair chance to play good shots. You ever play best ball with people who are worse than you? It's not a round of golf… it's an abomination. People riding on your coat-tails all damn day. God forbid you hit a bad shot because the rest of the group will be too useless to hit a good tee shot since they've been sucking off your teet for the last 12 holes. Bernie will bring your group together in a way you haven't before and somehow you'll think best ball really wasn't so bad. When the dust settles you'll realize that you didn't really need Bernie to band your group together. Thank Bernie for his time, wish him well, and then never call him again. 
 
 
Ted Cruz:
"We got a cart right?"

Cruz would be a great invite, if only to make yourself feel better about how you look. He is a walking, talking, breathing, bowl of pudding. He'd be gassed by the 11th hole. On top of that, he'd hit the restaurant after nine and order a full meal, killing the vibe and your momentum after you just fired off two straight pars. Cruz seems like a guy that would show up in cargo shorts. Nothing good comes out of your day with him.

 

Donald Trump:

"This course needs a wall"

MAKE GOLF GREAT AGAIN. Trump is the only one on this list who I know for a fact golfs, so he wouldn't drag you down from a scorecard perspective. Trump would keep you on your toes, throwing down bets left and right. I can picture The Donald throwing a $5 bet that you won't make it out of the sandtrap right as you're about to take a swing. The downside of golfing with Mr. Trump is he would constantly be bragging about nicer courses he's played on. "Public courses are ok. I know a lot of people who play public courses…good people, but public courses are not really for me. Have you seen my country clubs? The best in the world. Beautiful courses. All my friends play there."

 

Hillary Clinton:

"For the record these are the only balls I'll ever touch"

First of all…why would you invite a woman who isn't hot? Secondly, this is bro-time. Time to get away from the woman in your life and find where your balls have been hiding for the past 2 and a half years of your relationship. Much like her husband off the course, Hillary would constantly cheat. She'd casually move her ball if she didn't like her lie and there's a good chance she's going to do it when your back is turned. Then when you accuse her of cheating it turns into a big #Ballghazi scandal and ruins your afternoon.

 
There you have it. Who would you choose?
 
Regardless of your decision, make sure you keep that anger in check.
 
 
 

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