Playing with a Straight Edge Golfer

Playing with a Straight Edge Golfer - Old School Jeremy Piven

I need golf in my life. It allows me to de-stress after a long tumultuous week boxed inside an office cubicle. I'm not out there tenuously trying to improve my short game in order to qualify for the Web.com tour. My handicap easily flirts with the mid to upper 20s and I'll be the first one to tell you that I'm fine with that.

That false confidence I get when I have a respectable day on the links keeps me going and makes my Monday through Friday life a little less miserable. When I play a round with a “straight edge” golfer, my chances of obtaining that false confidence diminishes quickly.

We've all had that friend or colleague that takes on the title as Mr. USGA and pretends that shitty 18-hole public course is TPC Sawgrass. They play golf like they are participating in the Q School qualifier next week and it obligates you to adapt a similar style for the day.

 

Horrible (Almost Unplayable) Lies

The term “play it as it lies” is like a Bible quote for the straight edge golfer. Ball on a tree root? Better give it a tap to make way for a clean shot. That's a stroke by the way. Ball on dirt because this sad excuse for a course forgot to fertilize half the fairway? Hope you don't mind mucking up your 6 iron. Ball immersed in a pool of water at the bottom of a sand trap? Take off the Footjoys and get in there. Ball rolled onto the cart path and settled in a cement crevice? Okay you can move it out but it better be no more than a club's length lateral to the hole opposite of the fairway side. Oh, there's a massive white birch tree there? Grab your 4 iron and punch that shit.

 

Using Mulligans

Dude, I'm sweating balls. All the Jim Beam shots I consumed last night are oozing out of my pores. There is no way I go 18 for 18 on my tee shots today. I will tell you right now that I will be duffing at least two drives and probably shanking a 9 iron on a simple par 3. I want mulligans. No, I need mulligans. The “no mulligan” bullshit doesn't help anybody.

 

Score Caps

Yes, I'm proud of my mid 20s handicap. When you take into account that I'm an out of shape booze bag who is often hung over or drunk on the golf course and who never works on improving his golf game, mid 20's is extremely respectable. I can hold my own with any round-mate in the sense that I won't look like a complete noob out on the links. I don't achieve this miraculous handicap number by taking 10s and 11s on individual holes. It's the general rule of thumb, that if you royally fuck up a hole like Kevin Na did back at the 2011 Valero Texas Open, then +4 par for the hole is what's written on the scorecard.

 

 

That hurts the soul to watch. Brofessionalgolfer.com assumes no responsibility if you proceeded to jump out your office window after watching that horrific 5 minute display.

The straight edge golfer will routinely scribble scores of 10+ on holes he obliterates and when playing alongside, you have to as well. Great, there goes my false confidence of having a good day and a promising upcoming work week.

 

Drop Zones

After some investigation, it appears as though my spectacular drive was not that spectacular. I didn't realize that the pond on the scorecard map crept toward the center of this fairway. Logically, it's time to drop a ball in the rough to the left side of the water hazard. Not so fast! The proper drop zone is 100 yards back in front of the water. Forget the fact that the old timers playing behind you have been riding your ass since hole two. Mr. USGA is going to turn that golf cart around and ensure you are dropping that freshly unwrapped Pro V 1 in the drop zone so you can duff it right into the pond pretty much guaranteeing a score upwards of 100 for the day from that hole alone.

 

Posting scores of 110 and above doesn't help me understand the true skill level I possess. It wrecks any ounce of confidence and dignity I had when stepping foot onto the golf course in the past. I'm now one step closer to quitting golf forever. Thanks, bro.

 

Image via YouTube

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