The Need for Golf Carts

Kenny Powers Golf Cart

If you’re like us at Brofessional Golfer, walking eighteen holes is not an ideal way to enjoy a round of golf. We could not tell you the last time one of us played a full round without the convenience of a four-wheeler. We are such big proponents of golf carts that we decided to make a list detailing the benefits of riding over walking. Maybe after reading this, you’ll stop being a cheap bastard and spend the extra cash on a cart next time out.

 

1.) Excessive Perspiration

Tom Watson Sweat

I am the definition of an excessive sweater. I am fucking excellent at perspiration. Without a cart, there is going to be a lot of sweating from tracking down my errant tee shots. There is nothing more uncomfortable than sweating your balls off. I can’t snake my Titleist through two trees if I feel drips of sweat traveling all the way from my chest pubes down to my ball fro. 

 

2.) Bag Weight

I average about eight beers per eighteen holes, not including the frequent cocktail I tend to order at the bar mid round. That may seem like a lot, but I’m a true Brofessional Golfer. Eight sneaky beers tucked away safely in a golf bag adds an extra 6.3-lbs to your back. Yeah, I did the math all the way down to the density. Not the largest number, but with all that other shit in your bag, it adds up pretty quickly. Plus, there are plenty of savage bros who crush more than eight beers, so it could easily weigh more. Unless you drink hard liquor on the golf course, you’re not gonna want to carry those cans of liquid gold around all day, sloshing them around in the process and ruining their carbonation.

 

3.) Push/Pull Carts Are Lame

 

Using one of these contraptions is pretty much pointless unless you have a sick one. I understand the thinking behind it. It takes the bag off your back. Can’t really argue that, but you still have to put in some energy to push or pull all your shit around and you still have to trek on foot. I’d rather not look like a shmuck pushing and pulling around my clubs while chugging a twelve-ounce Bud Light Lime in the other. Most don’t even have cup holders. That’s a deal breaker for me.

 

4.) The Sun Is My Enemy

Like a lot of Americans, I have some Irish blood resulting in fragile skin when it comes to sun exposure. Those relentless UV rays can destroy me in just a matter of hours, regardless of how much sunscreen I use. A golf cart provides much needed shade to my vulnerable skin. If you get a bad sunburn playing golf, you’re gonna have a bad time.

 

5.) Carts Are Fun

Golf carts aren’t the fastest, but you can certainly have some fun with them, especially since they’re owned by that shitty public course for play on the weekends. A gravel cart path can serve for a great opportunity to test your Tokyo drifting skills. I’ve accomplished my share of both intentional and unintentional 180s in golf carts. This is one of the few times where drinking and driving is not completely and utterly frowned upon.

 

6.) The Pokemon Go Factor

Pokémon GO has changed my life on and off the course. There is a decent amount of downtime in golf, which allows the average Pokémon trainer to catch wild Pokémon. With a cart, you’re stuck with a buddy and have to tag along on the ride to their golf ball. While you wait for them to take the unnecessary five practice swings before hitting the ball, why not catch a few Pokémon? Your cart buddy shanked his ball into the woods? Pretend to help him find it, but really just look for rare Pokémon instead. With a golf cart, you can cover much more land, and if you are stuck behind a foursome of slowpokes (necessary Pokémon pun), you can use your cart to track down that shifty Scyther lurking around. When your buddy asks for yardage to the flag, you can tell him that according to your Hole19 app, he's 165 yards out, when in reality, you're just working on catching a Weedle.

 

7.) Walking Sobers You Up

Whether you drink four or twelve beers, walking a course will more than likely make you sweat out the booze before you even get to enjoy being drunk or buzzed. If you are going to walk the course you might as well leave the beer at home. Why waste the energy carrying eight cans of expensive water. You could be a legend and bring a flask and get lit on some Jack Daniels, but strenuous walking while attempting to get bombed is a recipe for disaster. Disaster meaning you’re face down in the bunker on 16.

 

If that wasn’t enough to convince you that renting a golf cart will result in a better experience, you probably are one of those guys who wears a step counter and brags about it while drinking Michelob Ultra. Sorry bro, but I don’t have a step goal to reach today.

Trackbacks & Pings

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