If I were PGA Commissioner…
The 2015-2016 golf season has concluded. While we have some time before Tiger-mania is in full force, let's reflect on our great game of golf. Rick Pitino once said, "If it ain't broke, fix it," then Rick proceeded to bang chicks in restaurant bathrooms. The message is clear though- even if something seems great, it can always be better. If I were commissioner, I wouldn't be the Goodell type who enforces zero-fun antics.
I'd be like Vince McMahon- the ultimate showman. Take notes, Tim Finchem and Jay Monahan, cause here are 8 things I'd change for 2017 if I was named The People's Commish:
Rule Change #1: Crowd Noise
One thing I never understood about sports like tennis and golf was how a little bit of noise was intrusive. In baseball, the hitter is considered successful if they hit 1 out of 3 times. Oh by the way, they have 3 strikes to get a hit. If you can hit a 95 mph ball with as much noise as the crowd cares to deliver, you can hit a stationary ball with a little commotion. Suck it up. Crowd should start chants. Really spruce things up. The environment at the Ryder Cup was electric. Nothing like having permanent real estate in Danny Willet's head every week. Guy will probably never show up in America again.
Rule Change #2: Pants
Players are not required to wear pants. I don’t know who said, "It's 90 degrees out, but you know what I love? Wearing pants." You know who else wore pants when it was 90 degrees out? Charles Manson. I don't know what's so appalling about letting the calves breath. Let the boys wear shorts.
Rule Change #3: Entrance Songs
"Now for our 10:43 tee time, please welcome, from West Chester, Pennsylvania, Jim Furyk!" *Enter Sandman starts playing.*
That's right- entrance songs for the players. This one seems so easy. Take a tip from baseball and wrestling. A little showmanship goes a long way. Sergio comes out to a little J-Lo. Spieth comes out to Backstreet's Back. Stenson comes out to some death metal. It's all lethal. And yes, we will soon have a post dedicated to what each PGA player's hypothetical entrance song would be. Subscribe to stay tuned.
Rule Change #4: The Infamous One-Stroke Penalty
Made famous this season by Dustin Johnson at the U.S. Open, this rule should fall under the "it's a gentlemen's game" category. Did Dustin Johnson touch the ball? He says no. The ball slightly moved. Was it the wind?
Who knows? And who cares? Johnson didn't take out his foot wedge and punt the ball 40 yards up the fairway. The ball may or may not have slightly wobbled. I don’t care. The ball didn't roll, it F-ing wobbled! Just like a replay after every other play in football, I can do without the overweight PGA representative saying it's okay on the green but, then, after round it's a penalty. Nonsense.
Rule Change #5: Scramble Tournament
The Ryder Cup has my thinking about some team golf. How about best ball? Maybe you make your own rosters. Maybe there's a draft. Maybe you have to finish a beer after every two holes. This one might be more of a Pro-Am setting. Either way, that event would sell out in a heartbeat.
Rule Change #6: Majors
No practicing on the course the week of a major. It's a prestigious and difficult tournament for a reason. You think I practiced Wanumetonomy Country Club before I hacked it up? Hell no (not that it would make much of a difference). Those guys are pros though. They should see it for the first time like any average golfer pulling up to the course on a Saturday morning to escape their nagging wife.
Rule Change #7: Scorecards
The PGA finally got rid of the rule that disqualified players for filling out an incorrect scorecard due to a penalty they were unaware of. Get rid of it all together. Do quarterbacks keep track of the score? No, there's a score keeper. It's the 21st century. I'm sure we can have some electronic scoring. Even the leaderboards are manual. This isn't Fenway Park. We can have an electronic scoreboard instead of manually changing the numbers. I can log onto PGA.com and see the live leaderboard. I'm sure they are able to figure it out without Phil showing his card to the camera after every hole. I don't need an incorrect scorecard ruining the guy's round. Get scorecards outta here.
Rule Change #8: Belly Putters
I really don't care if you need a belly putter to not suck on the greens. Honestly, I think I'm better than you at life if you need to use a belly putter to putt, but go for it. If you wanna use a belly putter, no skin off my ass.
Any others we should have included? Let us know in the comments and we'll forward them to the commissioner.