How to Watch Golf at Work

Live from the Masters

Going to a major golf tournament is on every man, woman, and child's bucket list. If it's not they're probably Canadian and more concerned aboot the hockey playoffs. Quick FYI there are no Canadian teams in the 2016 NHL playoffs…Hey Canada, sucks to suck don't it?

Enough about those hosers. As much as a major golf tournament is on all of our bucket lists, 99.9% of us are going to be stuck in our respective offices. Not all of us have sick days to use, so here's some tips on how to watch a PGA tournament, and what will happen if you get caught.

 

Dual Screens:

This guy is drowning in pussy

Usually reserved for nerds, it would sure come in handy on Thursday and Friday. This is probably the best option to keep your boss happy as long as you keep work on one screen. Don't stare at the screen with golf on it the whole time and definitely don't go telling everyone what you're doing. Don't cause a scene… act like you've been there before.

Caught: Boss gets ticked but as long as your work is done you're in the clear. Get rid of that second screen next week. Move on with your life.

Check your phone:

"Yo Steve come look at this" might not be an ideal thing to say at a urinal

This goes hand in hand with the dual screen option, but it's sneakier. Most of you probably don't have a dual screen option so this could be the most popular/ safest option…laying up instead of going over that pond if you will. Find a way to do it at your desk, you can't be taking bathroom breaks every 15 minutes to stare at Dustin Johnson's drives.

Caught: Boss is curious about why you keep checking your phone but doesn't mention it until your performance review. Says something about you trying to multi-task so much and docks your bonus. Turns out you made that money back on the bets you placed so really you broke even.

Go to the bar.

The same reaction could work for a big reveal on Maury

This is easily the most dangerous one on the list. All it takes is Jeff from accounting to make you take a shot when Ian Poulter shanks a ball into the water. From there you go with a "I bet that fat bastard Mickelson passes out by the 9th hole" and when he inexplicably doesn't, you're chugging an Irish carbomb.

Caught:Your day spirals out of control and before you know it you've taken a 4 hour lunch break. You might as well head back to the office and throw your stuff in a box cause you're going home for good. 

Get Sick.

Are you sick or mimicking Dustin Johnson choking again?

That's right…force yourself to throw up in front of your boss, shit your pants, make your nose bleed. I don't care what you do or how you do it, but nobody wants to be around a sick person. You'll get sent home and be able to watch the tourney on your couch with one hand on a beer and one hand down your pants. Don't try this back-to-back days. Pick what tournament day matters most to you.

Caught: You have to go home and watch alone. If you end up at the bar or at a friends house it will end up on social media somehow and then you're nailed. 

There you have it. No excuses. Watch like a champion.

 

 

Image via here

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