Hard Liquor on the Golf Course?

Shooter McGavin sipping a martini while egging on Happy Gilmore

Let’s not cut any corners here. Odds are, if you’re reading this than you enjoy alcohol more than the average human being. Alcohol is your pal and barring any major unforeseen life events, you will keep sucking down that sweet nectar until the day you die. I’m also assuming you diversify your beverage intake from time to time whether at home or at your favorite watering hole. Since this is the case, doesn’t it make sense to diversify your drinking habits on the golf course?

I’m flabbergasted that this isn’t a more discussed topic. Golf is a gentlemen’s game. Always has been, always will be. Hard liquor has always been a drink of gentlemen.The advantages of bringing hard liquor on the golf courses are incredibly insurmountable. Whether you are replacing the usual 12 pack or just adding whiskey to the repertoire like a savage, this list caters to every brofessional golfer out there.

 

Bag weight:

I had to throw this in here because I respect the individual who tosses the bag on his back and walks 6,000 yards. I’ll partake in walking if I’m hitting the links with a regular at his home track or with an absolute legend who is clearly a superior golfer. The biggest issue my out-of-shape ass has with walking is not the fact that I break a sweat on the first hole, but actually that sucking down cold Miller High Lifes means the bag becomes unbearably cumbersome.  You don’t just throw in a 6 pack of joes and walk 9 or 18 holes. Thor himself wouldn’t even attempt such a feat. I’m not saying to whip out a bottle of Jack Daniels from the bag like a rabbit out of a hat. The best tested method of wetting the lips while hiking on the links is the handy flask. You slide that sucker into your bag or back pocket and god damnit you could run a fucking marathon. Now I go with the 10 oz size flask. It’s the perfect size that it is bigger than the average 8 oz, but won’t stick out of my pocket like a scumbag. I don’t recommend filling that flask up to the rim or you’ll be swimming in that brook behind hole 16. If you don’t have a flask, a tiny bottle of liquor will do the trick. You know those “bottles” that are bigger than nips, but smaller than normal bottles. You’ll usually find these little guys behind the counter because they are the preferred choice of degenerate alcoholics.

 

Less bodily functions:

We all have that buddy who urinates an unusual amount when drinking on the course. You actually may be that guy. Fuck, I’m that guy and for me it’s gotten to the point that I don’t even go into the woods anymore. I kneel down next to my golf cart, peer around to see if anyone is in a 50 foot range, and whip the old Johnson out right there. I flawlessly execute this procedure every time, but that’s not the point. Nobody wants to be pissing constantly. It throws off your rhythm and for the majority of traditional dudes who resort to the woods, a suitable thicket is not always readily accessible. When substituting the joes for the elixir, we’re trading 12 ounces per beer for probably around 10 ounces of liquor for the entire day. No need to be a Harvard grad to figure that one out.

 

More drink possibilities:

Beer is beer. There is no sensible way to get creative with beer on a golf course or anywhere for that matter. You have your lagers, pilsners, and stouts. You have that wildcard friend that you secretly hate who thinks he’s a legend when he grabs ciders or pumpkin beers. But beyond the initial purchase, there is no room for alcoholic artistry. Sure, you can put Fireball in a hard cider (which is actually sneaky good), but it’s a messy and sticky procedure that your unstable hands can’t pull off while Jeff is doing 180s in the shitty gas powered golf cart. Hard liquor provides you the opportunity to not only be creative, but guzzle down the appropriate beverage for your current state of mind. You had a rough night last night? Grab a mini carton of OJ and some Grey Goose you classy motherfucker. You got an epic night planned following the afternoon outing? Get some rocket fuel in you with a whiskey-infused iced coffee or Coca Cola. The possibilities are really endless and quite feasible to execute. Drinking the sauce straight is always on the table as well you degenerates.

 

Concealment:

Unless your foursome includes your boys from college at a decrepit public golf course, none of us want to openly look like a degenerate. Being a brofessional golfer means concealing the degenerate in us all. This isn’t easy when you have 14 Miller High Lifes rattling around in the golf cart basket or when you have Coors Light tall boys hanging out of every cup holder. You also put your group at risk of being kicked out due to bringing joes from home. There is always a stickler Tom Watson wannabe ranger making $15 an hour at even the most feeble golf courses. With hard liquor, you pop that flask in your bag pocket or in the golf cart cubby and all of a sudden you look as professional as vintage Tiger on a Sunday afternoon instead of porn star junkie Tiger on a Friday night (no less respect regardless).

 

Temperature steady:

Don’t be a hardo here and proclaim that you are content with guzzling down warm beer. Even in my prime college days, I wasn’t trying to crush sweltering beers unless dire situations called for it. I’ve done it. We’ve all done it. But does anyone enjoy it? No, you instantly feel like a cat peed down your throat. Beers becoming lukewarm on the links is a common and unfortunate problem. I’d say, unless you are straight up Belushi chugging, by the 3rd or 4th beer, that cat piss is beginning to linger. If you bring a legit cooler or cooling apparatus, then continue being that Greek God that you are. Most of us don’t have the time, energy, or willpower to gather beer and a cooler and still make that 11:50 Saturday tee after taking a double shot of Fireball at 1:37 am the night before/morning of. With hard liquor (preferably whiskey), you fill up the flask or grab a mini bottle with the minimalist of efforts. That shit doesn’t need to be chilled unless you are a mega squid which in that case, I hear the mini golf course down the street is only a 2 minute wait per hole!

 

Bottom line is, no matter if you shoot +3 or +30, Jack Daniels doesn’t judge. He’s with you through the thick and thin. Balls in a divot? Go ahead, tap it with your toe. Jack won’t tell. Shanked one right? Pull that extra Top Flite out of your pocket. You think Jack cares that it’s your second mulligan in two holes? The answer is always what you want it to be. That is the goddamn beauty of bringing hard liquor on the golf course.

 

Still want to bring beer on the golf course, make sure you read: What Your Beer Selection Says About You

 

Image via Youtube

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