What Your Golf Ball Says About You
Just like your golf apparel defines you as a golfer, the golf ball you use makes a huge statement as well. The majority of us weekend hackers are not good enough for the golf ball brand to impact performance. But you still don't want to hack away all willy nilly at a random golf ball this weekend. Make sure you know what your golf ball brand says about you.
*Spoiler Alert* – This is a haters guide, no golf ball brand on this list is safe.
Titleist – You’re still under the impression that you can go pro. To be the best means you have to play the best ball right? I'll be praying to the high heavens that you slice your fresh Pro V1 directly into the pond on the opening tee shot. $3 a ball, better get your SCUBA gear.
Callaway – You have undeserved class. You talk down to people about their financial investing. Dude, sorry I only invest in a 401k right now. I don’t even know what ETFs are. Extra Tough Fairways? I sincerely hope you get wrapped up in a Ponzi scheme and lose the inheritance that your dad gave you.
Bridgestone – You’re a science guy. Fucking Bill Nye over here jumps to the bold conclusion that because Bridgestone makes quality tires, that they can just waltz into the golf game and make a superior golf ball. I think you left the lights on in your Prius, bro.
Nike – You’re a sucker. Like Bridgestone, but 10 times worse. Nike tackles way too many sports. Did you know they are huge players in the snowboarding game now? What the fuck does Nike know about anything but basketball shoes? Since when did they make good
golf balls, drivers, and apparel? Oh wait, they threw the farm on Tiger Woods and shoved their advertising down your throat. Nike bought you and they have you by the balls (pun highly intended).
Taylormade – You’re an even bigger sucker than Nike ball users. Until very recently, Taylormade was owned by Adidas. The word “taylormade” is synonymous with the words “unique” and “one of a kind” but Adidas is just Nike’s underachieving cousin, plain and simple. Honestly, how is Adidas still a brand? It must really cake up from European soccer. Besides all of the golf clubs in my bag, the only Adidas item I own is flip-flops. Get it?
Srixon – You like yellow balls. Similar to Bridgestone, Srixon is part of a larger organization that manufactures rubber. Srixon actually holds the largest number of golf ball patents worldwide according to Wikipeida. Couldn’t tell you if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. Sounds like they keep fucking up. So every time you duff your yellow Srixon into the lake, don’t blame it on your poor swing mechanics, blame it on the newest experimental design. Yellow balls are for chumps.
Top Flite – You’re a common man. You probably drive a Toyota Camry and go to Dunkin Donuts a lot. Everyone and their mothers play Top Flite golf balls. They have a firm grasp on the weekend hacker market. What store doesn’t have Top Flite golf balls at a generous price point? They even cater to dumb America by using the spelling, “Flite” instead of “Flight”. Good for you Top Flite, good for you.
Wilson Staff – You’re a poor bastard. What failing sporting goods chain did you stumble into to find these beauts? I don’t care if you are shooting even par for the day. The respect lost by playing Wilson Staffs is far greater than any respect earned by having a good day on the links.
Noodle – You’re a sissy. Wait, a ball that goes far and lands soft? How the fuck did you do it Noodle? And for less than $1 a ball? I feel like Noodle golf balls were started via a bet between two college bros. “Yo, I bet you can’t start a golf ball brand named Noodle that advertises itself as long and soft at the same time.” Holy shit it worked?
Pinnacle – You aren’t getting any better at golf. You’ve been playing golf for over 10 years and you still have the same pathetic handicap. You lose so many golf balls each round, that you are always either scrambling to find a sporting goods store on the way to the course or you buy the only affordable golf balls in the pro shop.
Maxfli – You’re a scavenger. Maybe it’s just me, but I secretly get fired up when I find a Maxfli in the woods. You never proactively go out and buy Maxfli balls. Maxfli golf balls come to you. Every time I find one, it’s in perfect condition too. Who’s out there smacking fresh Maxflis out of bounds on the first swing?
Slazenger – You’re a Brit. Go to Slazenger.com, I’ll wait. Did you see an old photo of a white (potentially racist) tennis player? Did you also see the three sports advertised in the top left? Cricket, Tennis, Hockey. The golf ball you are playing is made from the scraps of Slazenger’s three main sporting goods productions. You probably like the jaguar logo too. Why do the British associate with jaguars so much? Is there a jaguar problem over there? Get over yourselves. #America
Precept – You are desperate. I’ve found maybe like two Precept golf balls in the woods in my entire life. Have you ever found a Precept without scuff marks all over it? If you seriously end up playing a Precept, you must be completely out of golf balls and already on the 18th hole.
Polara – You cheat. In case you live under a rock, Polara advertises their golf balls as “anti-slicing golf balls”. If you ever catch someone using a Polara golf ball, bluntly run up to their ball during their back swing and toss the Polara as far as you can into the woods or any body of water. Because that dude is one step away from teeing up the ball in the rough.
Dunlop – You’re an old fart. You probably wear white tube socks up to your knee caps and drive a Buick Lucerne. I don’t even think you can physically get your hands on Dunlop golf balls anymore.
Range Ball – You’ve given up. Either you have lost all the golf balls in your bag, your score is upwards of triple digits already after 14 holes, or you're highly inebriated. The 19th hole beckons for you, my friend.
There you have it. At the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter which golf ball brand you choose because you can’t hit any of them straight to save your life.