Golf: The All-American Game

Golf: American Flag Sunrise

As you are probably well aware by now, this site is easily one of the top ten most patriotic sites on the web, trailing only sites such as the US Marines official site, USA-patriotism.com, and PornHub. When we tell you something is patriotic, you better believe it since we're well on our way to becoming the upmost authority on this topic. Look at our website's background for crying out loud.

If you still had further questions please see exhibit A:

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Exhibit A

This picture could only be more patriotic if I was standing on the wings of a B-52 bomber flying over the White House with a bald eagle on my shoulder. 

Why all this background info? It's because I'm gonna drop this truth bomb right on your tiny head. Golf is the most patriotic sport you could play. 

"WOAH B-ROE!?!? Isn't baseball America's past time?" Relax chief. Read on and learn. We just had fellow American Dustin Johnson win the U.S. Open so I'm feeling even more patriotic than normal. This is the same Dustin Johnson who is a former coke addict that dates one of the few good things keeping Canada relevant. Paulina Gretzky, who comes from a long line of nobodies in Canada, definitely jumped aboard Dusty's freedom train after the U.S. Open. 

Paulina Gretzky Maxim

Yes, baseball is considered America's pastime, and it still should be. I'm talking about a sport that your average full-blooded American can go out on and play on a Sunday. What makes it American? Let me enlighten you:

 

Beer:

drunk-golf

Name another major sport where you could get away with drinking beer between every swing. Hell drinking and driving is LEGAL on a golf course. Well sort of…not really… but you get what I'm saying right? BEER. If beer isn't your thing, drink some liquor. If golfing completely sober is your thing then I don't trust you as a person and I hope you end up on the wrong side of Trump's wall

 

Nature:

Grizzly at Yellowstone Golf Club

Looks like you should've saved your mulligan, Steve

Oh beautiful fore spacious skies, over every green. For purple mountain majesties above the traps and trees. America, America, God shed his grace on thee, and crown thy good through brotherhood from holes one through eighteen.

 

Chicks:

God bless every girl who has ever had to drive a golf cart full of beer up to a group of men. That's like a deer walking up and putting the muzzle of your shotgun to it's head. A cart girl driving to a group of bros runs the gauntlet every day. Unsung heroes for women everywhere. If a dude is driving the beer cart I'm 90% less likely to buy a beer and that tip is going wayyyy down. 

 

Steroids:

Tiger Woods Swole

We're asking for a lawsuit

Looking at you Tiger Woods. Steroids are completely legal for the weekend golfer, and getting big and swole is the American way. 

Wanna hit longer drives? Screw that $400 driver you just bought, do some STEROIDS. Wanna intimidate other golfers on the course? STEROIDS. You know who could get away with not wearing sleeves on the course? Somebody on STEROIDS. That grumpy starter constantly giving you problems? Do some STEROIDS and give him the business. If somebody insuniates that you're on STEROIDS, promptly punch them in the face, yell I'M ALL NATURAL BABY! Double pistol towards them like Shooter McGavin and drive your cart away with the cart girl on your lap.

 

via GIPHY

 

America, fuck yeah. Get out there and golf.

Need more America? We got you covered, bro: Guide to Repping America

 

Main Image via Here

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