Danny Willett’s Brother Said What About Americans?

Pete Willett

Please, my fellow Americans, read the following excerpt from a Ryder Cup "preview" written by Pete Willett (Danny's brother) via National Club Golfer:

"Team USA have only won five of the last 16 Ryder Cups. Four of those five victories have come on home soil. For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way. Like one of those brainless bastards from your childhood, the one that pulled down your shorts during the school’s Christmas assembly (f**k you, Paul Jennings), they only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling group of reprobates. Team Europe needs to shut those groupies up.

They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.

They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.

They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society."

Shots have been fucking fired. There is a whole lot going on in those paragraphs. I feel like Thomas Willett was more than half in the bag when he wrote this, but you can tell he is really reaching for those Shakespeare-esque analogies. Let's translate to normal readable English:


For the Americans to stand a chance of winning, they need their baying mob of imbeciles to caress their egos every step of the way.

For the Americans to win, they need their passionate diehard fans cheering them on through the whole weekend.


Like one of those brainless bastards from your childhood, the one that pulled down your shorts during the school’s Christmas assembly (f**k you, Paul Jennings), they only have the courage to keg you if they’re backed up by a giggling group of reprobates.

Pass. You know you're a shitty writer when you try and get too clever and deliver a whole bunch of senseless word vomit.


They need to silence the pudgy, basement-dwelling, irritants, stuffed on cookie dough and pissy beer, pausing between mouthfuls of hotdog so they can scream ‘Baba booey’ until their jelly faces turn red.

Okay, he's saying we're a little overweight. Fine. We drink shitty light beer. I agree, we do, but you know why? So we can stay hydrated and keep drinking. "Stuffed on cookie dough"? Are there PGA Tour events that serve cookie dough because that would be fucking unreal. "Mouthfuls of hotdog"? We're at a sporting event, but please point me to the nearest porterhouse. "Screaming 'Babe Booey' with jelly faces". Now I want a fucking jelly doughnut, thanks Pete.


They need to stun the angry, unwashed, Make America Great Again swarm, desperately gripping their concealed-carry compensators and belting out a mini-erection inducing ‘mashed potato,’ hoping to impress their cousin.

Trump Trump Trump Trump! Make Golf Great Again! It doesn't matter who is at the helm for America that's why we make fun of him. Have fun losing all your trade agreements when you leave the EU. Does anyone actually care about Brexit? The final part about "mini-erection inducing mashed potatoes" seems like Pete could be reliving some bad memories from his childhood, but what do I know?


They need to smash the obnoxious dads, with their shiny teeth, Lego man hair, medicated ex-wives, and resentful children. Squeezed into their cargo shorts and boating shoes, they’ll bellow ‘get in the hole’ whilst high-fiving all the other members of the Dentists’ Big Game Hunt Society.

I laughed out loud when I read the part about bellowing: "Get in the hole!" Most classic yell in golf. Sorry we're rooting for our golf icons instead of politely golf clapping like my grandma does when she guesses Wheel of Fortune correctly…"Obnoxious dads, shiny teeth, lego hair, medicated ex-wives, cargo shorts, boating shoes". Again, a slew of words just tossed out there way too nonchalant. Must be weird to hang around Americans who actually care about their appearance. Cargo shorts are practical and boat shoes are the most casual yet stylish footwear on the planet. So you're a crazed lunatic, Pete.


I am literally blown back by that whole article little Petey wrote. Pete, I need you to tell Americans how you really feel. From the word vomit that I kind of deciphered, you clearly hate America with a burning fiery passion. You can absolutely go fuck yourself you little twat. It's unfortunate, but now I'm forced to hate Danny Willett forever being that you two share similar blood. Right now, I can't even look at my boy Paul Casey in the face without getting heated. The first official Ryder Cup shot has been fired and it was a big one. We need the American Ryder Cup fans to be louder, fatter, drunker, and just generally more obnoxious now. US of fucking A. Let's get it gents!

Read little Pete Willett's entire trashy post here. (Oh yeah, and Pete, you tried way too hard with all those analogies. Less is more, champ.)

 

More from BG's Ryder Cup Coverage:

Brofessional Golfer 2016 Ryder Cup Power Rankings

Golf: America's True Pastime

13 Responses to “Danny Willett’s Brother Said What About Americans?

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    You and your brother look like a couple of inbreads fuck you it takes your sorry ass European continent to take on one country

  • To whoever wrote this. Your unwitty retort is exactly why he said what he said. It's going to be almost impossible, but desperately try and grasp for a little class. 

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Perhaps the British need to be reminded of these United States saving their ass from Hitler etc…

    • Anonymous
      1 year ago

      OK…….but perhaps you need to be reminded that if it wasn't for the British sticking at it and keeping the war going (when the rest of Europe aside from Russia had been overrun by the Nazis) then you wouldn't have 1% of the freedom/quality of life you have today.

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Well, he is pretty much stating what most people feel about loud abnoxious US fans.  But we know you will not dwell on this as it is not your nature to give a crap about how any other country feels about your perpetual abbrasivenss.

  • Not amused
    1 year ago

    Well, this is certainly interesting dialog.  The funny yet sad part for me is that people are using their valuable time to muse on what some drunk had to say.  He's not Danny Willet.  He's Danny Willet's brother.  Does he hate America?  Perhaps.  Do I care?  Not in the least. 

  • Not amused
    1 year ago

    Oh….and one more thing Mr. or Ms. Anonymous…..I AM American and I DO NOT care how you feel about me or my country?  I repeat, not in the least.

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Your whole response to the article is silly. It illustrates exactly what is wrong with us as Americans. You talk about word vomit and then spew it yourself trying to hard to be clever. Why can't we just laugh at a bit of satire instead of being soooo offended. Get over it already. Guess it hurts when someone tells us how the rest of the world honestly feels about us. 

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    In fairness, everything he wrote is correct. The vast majority of Americans really are imbeciles, that is why the place is a dump and the rest of the world laugh at them

  • Anonymous
    1 year ago

    Has it occurred to any of you that maybe this post is a satirical response to the original post? Maybe it isn't but maybe it is. Everyone needs to take a deep breath.

     

    P.S. Trump for president 

  • Totally agree with Mr Willetts brother, Americans are the most hideous retards around, fat lazy wombles, awful shithole full of retarded people.

  • 5 of the last 16 ryder cups is because England needed the rest of the Europe to compete against the United States to avoid being decimated every two years. We would win 100 out of 100 with a driver.. Choice wedge and putter playing only England. Fucking ignorant hybrid alien looking piece of garbage no one single country would ever come close. 

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