The Timeline of a Drunken Golfer

Wolf of Wall Street Drunk Golf Beers

The Golfer's Alcoholic Threshold = The Effect of Number of Beverages on Perceived Skill Level  

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Every brofessional golfer is aware of their threshold number. For the rookies out there, your threshold number is the optimal number of alcoholic beverages needed to briefly improve your golf game (or your perception of your golf game) before the wheels start to fall off. The duration and magnitude of this alcohol-infused boost varies considerably from golfer to golfer. For this column, we measured beer. If this doesn't apply to you because you drink hard liquor on the golf course, then honestly I'm sorry for wasting the 30 seconds it took to get down this far. Please leave our site, you have way more important things to do than listen to us peasants. 

We have created this general graph based on countless hours of field work by our dedicated and passionate staff here at

 beer golf graph

"Dude, not me bro. It takes me 8 beers to reach my peak." Relax Bro Namath, there are several additional factors that play a role in this experiment, but here is my personal inner monologue for a booze-infused round:

1 beer

Wow, it’s an absolutely gorgeous summer afternoon and the course is in phenomenal shape today. They must use Kentucky bluegrass, because the northeast just doesn’t shed those lush emerald blades. Underrated is the foursome that I was able to scrap together last minute, especially Tucker. Haven’t played with that legend in ages.  The driver’s got a little slice today, but it’s early and I’m still a tad hung over from last night. Not trying to be a hero today anyways, just trying to play bogey golf with a couple green-in-regulations.

2 beers

That first beer was guzzled down a little quick, but I had to eliminate the hangover. God, it’s a perfect day to be on the links. Our foursome as a whole is playing well too and the pace of play is superb. Might be able to catch the end of the Michigan-Ohio State game at this rate. Still slicing it, but its manageable, especially with the wide open fairways. I’ll just alter my ball alignment. Can’t believe that par putt rimmed out last hole, but I’ll take the bogey.

3 beers

Fixed the swing and the slice is history. Maybe I should retire early and become a swing coach. Everything is starting to piece together today. I don’t want to speak too soon, but there is potential for a personal record-breaking round for me today. I’ll play it cool though, don’t wanna let it get to my head. Smashing the 5 wood over the tree line was a gamble, but it paid off because I’ve got a feasible birdie putt in front of me. Where’s the woods? I gotta pee.

4 beers

Nailed the birdie putt and I was so fucking smooth in the entire process. The guys are definitely a little jealous, but they all laid up so they had it coming. I think I just smacked that ball 320 yards. My driver is on point right now. I’ve never really thought about it, but if I quit my job and focused on golf full time, I’d be able to get into at least the field. Those guys make a decent living and get to play some of the nicest courses in the country. Probably can’t clear the brook in front of me with an 8-iron, but the wind is at my back so fuck it. This beer is going down like water. 

5 beers

Cleared the brook by the skin of my teeth, but you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. I don’t know if that applies here, but whatever it’s a great quote. God dammit, the slice lingered back into my repertoire. Good thing my recovery is money today. I haven’t played a par 3 course in ages, but I bet I’d shoot under par on that sucker. I wish we had some cloud coverage today, it’s starting to get a little steamy on the back nine.

6 beers

Why the fuck is Tucker taking three warm-up swings? Hit the fucking ball bro. Finally. And my slice is back to full force. If I wasn’t waiting on Tucker’s swinging clinic, I would have been more focused. I think my ball scurried onto hole 6. Good thing the back nine is wide open. Scrambling for bogey should be a piece of cake with that lie.

7 beers

Connor, if you loudly mouth-breathe during my backswing one more time, I’m shoving this 8 iron right up your ass. I should be able to hug the tree line and land this one right in front of the green. Nope. That’s in the woods. I’ll find it. There are so many fucking leaves in here. I’ll just drop one and say I found it. Did they see me do that? No shot, they’re buzzing hard. Should still be able to save bogey*.

8 beers

I’m never playing with these squids again. These greens are like putting on glass. Can this crappy public course relax? This isn’t Augusta. Dude it’s so fucking hot out. I’m sweating through my Under Armour “sweat-wicking” shorts. The driver is killing me right now. I’ve only used one mulligan so far so I’m hitting again. Did the wind really just start gusting during my backswing. This is absolute horseshit.

9 beers

What fucking hole are we on? Might have to pack it in. I’m never playing this stupid fucking sport again. I didn’t want to play from the tips to begin with. I wonder what my ex-girlfriend is up to. That bitch. I hate my life.

10 beers

I can’t drive the golf cart so I hope Connor had a few less than me. Nope, he had the same number. Fuck it I trust him. Finally we finished 18. Don’t even tell me my score. Where’s the 19th hole? I’ll take a Jack Daniels on the rocks. Hold the rocks.


If you do plan on endulging in alcoholic beverages on the golf course, be safe, and remember that your beer selection defines you as a person.


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