What Does Your Beer Selection on the Golf Course Say About You?

Beerfest Oktoberfest Beer on the Golf Course

Sneaking beer (joes, brews, pops, etc.) on the golf course is a tradition unlike any other, except maybe the Masters. Before you foolishly snag just any brand of the sweet nectar, make sure you understand what it says about you and what is expected out on the links:

 

Natty Light – The Frat Bro

The ultimate choice of frat bros throughout the land. Nattys are liquid gold from the fountain of college stardom. Usually bought and consumed via a 30 rack, Nattys are popular among degenerates like you and me. These crushable cans of watered down beer will leave you stumbling by the 6th hole.

 

Budweiser – The American Man

It doesn’t get much more American than this. Budweiser is synonymous with Nascar, boobs, and barbeques. Some people are under the impression that Budweiser is a tad bit trashy so I’d probably save the Bud Heavies for the old public track.

 

Bud Light – The Standard

Pretty classic choice here. The bank account will thank you and nobody will ever oppose. Let’s call it what it is – a watered down beer that keeps you hydrated and allows for constant intake.

 

Bud Light Platinum – The Classy Alcoholic

I always applaud when a round mate brings Plattys on the links. An easy-to-suckle beer that is sneaky high in alcohol content, on the surface you may be disappointed, but deep down you are excited. Not to mention, adding the word “platinum” tricks the brain into thinking Drake drinks this on the reg.

 

Corona – The Beach Legend

I’m game for a Corona on a hot summer day especially if there is a beach breeze circulating through the nostrils. If you can pull off the limes too on the golf course, you are a God among men. Be aware of the guy who packs Corona for fall golf, he is Satan and wants to remind you that summer is in the rearview.

 

Angry Orchard (with Fireball) – Mr. Seasonal

Look at this clever chap would ya? He brings a couple sixers of Angry Orchard which so elegantly compliment the foliage throughout the round. A true brofessional golfer sneaks some Fireball to mix in thus creating Angry Balls – a delectable fall beverage. Be warned, if you see someone bring Angry Orchard in the dead of summer, he is a psychopath and should be put in a ward.

 

Guinness – The Scholar

Guinness in a bottle is dog shit. Do you love Guinness so much that you need to bring it on the links? Or do you want to be perceived as a gentleman and a scholar? I get it, you’re better than me. Better drink ‘em quick though, warm Guinness tastes like vomit. Oh it’s Guinness Black Lager? Fuck yourself.

 

Coors Light – The Disappointment

Next time you think about buying Coors Light, just remember that their entire marketing scheme is built around the beer being cold. They really never attempt to bring anything else to the table. And what’s with the ice train that plows through crowds of people? I’ve always gotten a rapey vibe from that train. Coors Light would fail in a taste test with water. You’re still going to guzzle them. You won’t be mad, just disappointed.

 

Coors Heavy – The Manly Man

Unlike its more popular counterpart, Coors Heavy is a much underrated brewski in its own right. Coors Heavy is consumed by the same bearded man who flaunts flannels year round. Notorious for swinging out of his shoes on any driver-applicable hole, the man’s man will be plastered by the turn which will bring enjoyment to the group as a whole.

 

Labatt Blue – The Sneaky Canadian

One of my sneaky favorite beers regardless of surrounding environment. LBs are quite delicious and drinkable. The reasonable alcohol content accompanied with the generous price point helps ease the mind for those knee knocker birdie putts. The Canadians are doing something right up there besides having great strip clubs. Be prepared to answer questions from the group regarding your decision with this one.

 

Miller High Life – The Scumbag

Ah, the ole’ champagne of beers…the first Miller High Life is inviting on the pallet. But after 3 or 4, you find yourself forcing down the liquid on each sip. The fact is that it is just not quality beer. Any beer that tends to undercut Natty Light on price, should not be entertained by respectable individuals. Wifebeaters under golf polos are common with this choice.

 

Bud Light Lime – Really?

I hate that I have to include BLL to this list, but I’ve seen it brought on the golf course on multiple occurrences. If I’m at a Vegas pool party with strippers galore and Calvin Harris djing and all they had was Bud Light Limes, then I’d probably have like 3. There isn’t even a hint of lime…what is that flavoring? It’s like a metallic sugary corn syrup blend of shit. You ever not finish a Bud Light Lime in 2 minutes? The second that “beer” gets above 34 degrees, it tastes like straight cat piss.

 

Michelob Ultra – The triathlete fanny pack wearing douchebag

Low in calories and a great tasting beer? Get out of here Michelob! How did you do it!? I’ll tell you how, you didn’t. There are actually worse beers out there, but Michelob commercials piss me off. Thanks for making me feel bad about my protruding gut and the fact that I’ve been laying on my couch for 6 hours. I get it, everyone that drinks your beer has a 6 pack of abs, bikes 15 miles a day, and hikes up Mount Everest in running shoes. If your golfing buddy brings along Michelobs, simply tell the starter to cancel your tee time since you must all be punished for befriending such a douchebag.

 

Any Craft Beer – The Craft Snob

Oh, Mr. “I only play Taylormade 88 golf balls”…I couldn’t give three shits about the pallet scent or the aroma vapors. I’m trying to break 90 here, I don’t need a heavy ipa that forces me to inhale deeply after each miniscule sip. Wait, its 9% alcohol? I guess I’ll give it a whirl.

 

Whether on the golf course or at a bar, beer selection defines who you are as a person. Some beers work well at your local pub and fail miserably when brought onto the links. Other beers are impeccable in the golf cart cup holders and severely tarnish your rep at a respected bar. Michelob Ultra will always bring about a tyrant of mockery and shame no matter the circumstances. All in all, proper beer selection for a round of golf is a mastered art that takes sophistication and dedication. That being said, you could always just go with Bud Light.

 

Allergic to beer? Bringing Hard Liquor on the Golf Course is always a terrific alternative option.

 

Image via Youtube

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