Bald Eagles and Birdies: Why the US will win the Ryder Cup

Rickie Fowler Team USA

It’s pretty well known by now that I can never pass up an opportunity to be patriotic. Seeing an American Flag just gets me fired up. Now mix in what Danny Willett’s brother said about America and I AM TRIGGERED. Pete Willett is the reason why bald isn’t beautiful. Talk about one person in the family getting all the talent…Danny is playing in the Ryder Cup and Pete looks like every serial killer ever. Not saying he has ever killed anyone, but if it came out that he did, nobody at this site would be shocked. 

Pete Willett

“Hello Clarice…”

I’m not gonna sit here and break down the Ryder Cup matchups and who I think should be in what pairing. All I know is that it’s Team USA vs Team Europe. It’s really telling that they have to pick from a bunch of countries across an entire continent to find a team good enough to beat our boys from the ole’ U S of A

Here’s a history lesson for you… back in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue..because he wanted to get the fuck outta Europe. They had plagues, overcrowded cities, and royal families banging each others’ cousins. The best part is that dumbass Euro Columbus didn’t even know where the hell he landed. He went ahead and gave everyone smallpox anyway. 

He was also surrounded by a bunch of dudes. But hey, it's 2016 who am I to judge?

He was also surrounded by a bunch of dudes. But hey, it’s 2016 who am I to judge?

People started leaving Europe as quick as they could. Europe was so bad, colonists would rather spend 12 weeks on rat-infested ships to go to a place where they may starve to death rather than stay in Europe.

Nowadays, Europe isn’t doing that much better. England’s global empire is now smaller than Rory McIlroy’s beady eyes, and the disease that makes Ian Poulter look they way he does seems to be running rampant.

Sadly there is no cure...

Sadly there is no cure…

If I wanna visit Europe, I’ll hit the Vegas strip since every landmark is right there in one spot. Why in God’s name would I want to travel through Europe and have to speak a different language in each country? It’s ridiculous.

If you think those Euros and their stupid accents are gonna roll through America, you have another thing coming. YOU DON’T JUST WALK INTO MINNESOTA. You think Sergio Garcia could handle ice fishing? That sorry excuse for a pro golfer would probably fall in. I will be completely honest though, I didn’t think there were any golf courses in Minnesota. I’ve been under the assumption that Minnesota has three crappy sports franchises and a lot of frozen lakes.  

Here’s how Europeans usually fare with America:

Revolutionary War: Hey Britain get the hell outta here. Take that Tea and shove it. 

War of 1812: Hey Britain, did you not hear us the first time? Get the hell outta here

Spanish American War: LOL SPAIN. Nice try hombre. 

WWI: OMG would you guys just shut up already? Fine we’ll clean up your mess.

WWII: WTF? This shit again? Really? Man this Hitler guy is a dick. Don’t get used to us liking you France and England, we’re just here to beat up Germany and bang some babes. 


Europe did bring us some solid classic rock groups like The Who, Led Zeppelin, and the most overrated band of the 20th century: The Beatles (HOW’S THAT FOR A HOT-TAKE!?!?). You know where those bands toured when they wanted to make some real money??? AMERICA. 

This is the crap most of those nancies over in Europe listen to:

Here’s some good ole American Rock n Roll: 

Sometimes music does speak louder than words…I’m not sure if that’s the right saying or not, but I’m an American so if you don’t understand me, I’ll just yell louder until you do. 

I tried making a list of everything Europe has done right, but I didn’t get too far. 

1- Swedish Girls

2- Swedish Meatballs

3- Ukrainian Mail Order Brides

4- Die Hard movie villains

5- Drinking Beer

Just kidding on #5, we already proved we do that better

He's not that drunk

He’s not that drunk

America is the greatest country on Earth. We’ve kicked ass before, we kick ass now, and we’re sure as hell going to kick more ass in the future. USA vs an entire continent. I like our odds.


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