Anger Management on the Golf Course

Happy Gilmore Anger Management Golf

Golf is hands-down the most frustrating weekend activity of all time, but does that really stop any of us from swinging the sticks?  Some of us try to tame that built up anger on the golf course. Others unleash the anger by smashing their 8-iron into the Earth like they’re digging to China.  This is usually coupled with a “Way to go Sally!”

Let’s keep it real, nobody wants to be that guy in the foursome who has a harder time keeping his anger in line as he does keeping his ball in the fairway. So what if you’re that asshole who shanks his tee shot on hole 2 resulting in a 3-hybrid tomahawk that even the Cherokee Indians would applaud?  Maybe you shouldn’t have broken the cheap-ass hybrid that always saved you out of a tricky rough lie, but golf is a relentless bitch that makes you regret never signing that prenup. The trick is to not let it dig as deep into your mind as your ex does in your pockets.

The mentality you have driving to the course for a Sunday morning tee time is indicative of how you are going to swing the clubs that day. Staying positive will only put you in a better mood (#TonyRobbins). Maybe you need to crack a beer in the parking lot upon arrival to garner that little buzz in order to abolish the first shot nerves. It will surely help with the animosity you have towards yourself after shanking the opening tee shot left. The key is to just move on to the next shot, and to not dwell on that repulsive drive you just hit. Just tell yourself everything is okay even if you feel like the course was made to bend you over a barrel. You could be sitting in a cubicle, but instead you are standing in a luscious field of Kentucky bluegrass. Go ahead; crack that bottle of Jack Daniels you had resting in the basket of the cart. John Daly would say you've earned it.

Alcohol is a critical asset to maintaining a pleasant golf outing with the fellas. The last time I played a round without alcohol, a white dude was president. I don’t play a round without booze because liquid courage is as real on the golf course as it is at the club on a Saturday night. I refuse to be that guy in the group that doesn’t drink. If you are playing like you live in a trash can, at least the liquor is there to help you enjoy that dumpster house.

And if you have a friendly neighborhood herb dealer, nothing eases a shitty round like firing up a spliff. Maybe you dabble in the Adderall game. Pick your poison. Just keep in mind there is always a miserable geriatric ranger puttering around patrolling the course like Officer Farva patrolling Spurbury.

Everything must be in moderation, however. Don’t be that guy who starts chugging whiskey to cope with missing the only putt you had at birdie. That road could lead to you smashing the golf cart into a roped off ditch (Puns!!). You want to be drunk enough to enjoy what you are doing, but not too drunk to fuck everything up (literally the best life advice ever bestowed…go ahead, re-read that). Same with the reefer, if you smoke too much, you will get inside your own head and start tweaking your swing way too much. No dude, you can’t swing like Bubba Watson.

If you arrive and stay at the ideal intoxication level throughout the round, your chances of perceived success are much higher. No one wants to waste the $50 they spent on a shitty round of golf by puking up the hot dog you just purchased from the smoke-show cart girl. And the worst part is, she wasn’t even hot, but you proceeded to hit on her anyway while shoving that mediocre frankfurter down your gullet.

Like most of our columns, at the end of the day, this post is basically just promoting alcohol on the course. We didn’t even intend it to go this way, but it did. Everyone gets angry on the golf course, it’s inevitable. Nothing pisses me off more than picking up my fat head on a downswing resulting in a 20 yard duff.  Most of us suck at golf which is more the reason to drink. If you can find that beautiful threshold of being moderately drunk, you will give yourself the best chance to keep your game in check. It may also help you enjoy the company of the paired up scenario you find yourself in.


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