2018 Ryder Cup Wish List
The 2016 Ryder Cup is officially over. It was arguably one of the best Ryder Cups in recent memory especially with the hometown boys taking home the cup. As Sunday night rolled around, I felt a feeling of immense joy when Patty Reed hoisted up the shimmering trophy, but then shortly after, a melancholy feeling swept over me as the sun set on the luscious grass of Hazeltine. I wanted more Ryder Cup. More USA vs. Europe. More rowdy Americans. More everything. I then started thinking, while I do like the current format, why not have a fourth day? More sessions for the already large Ryder Cup rosters. While the Ryder Cup is still fresh in the memories of Americans (and Europeans), we decided to put together a “wish list” for events in future Ryder Cups that could make up that fourth day:
Long Drive Competition
I know, why hasn’t this been thought of already? Imagine the boys of Team USA hootin’ and hollerin’ while Dustin Johnson blasts fucking missile drives on primetime TV. Shouting and heckling would be encouraged. Viewership for NBC would be through the roof. Almost too good of an idea.
This is speed golf:
Given my protruding gut and sanity as a human, I have obviously never tried playing speed golf. But it is a real thing (I’m assuming in healthy go-green states like California or Oregon). Regardless, I wouldn’t mind seeing Rickie sprinting down the 18th fairway side by side with Justin Rose. Maybe one of them throws a casual jab as they approach the green. Golf would be one step closer to football. This would be good for golf.
Battle golf is simply match play, but adds the element of removing a club from the opponent’s bag when they lose a hole. Imagine the best golfers in the world scrambling to make strategic decisions on the course after losing their driver a hole before. As an additional incentive, when taking a club out of an opponent’s bag, that player must hold up the club like gladiators holding up their opponent’s sword.
A classic ‘closest to the pin’ challenge except the starting golfer can get the ball on the green by any means necessary. Perhaps Brooks Koepka uses a driver off the deck from 170 yards out and Danny Willett (enemy of America) has to follow it up with the exact same club from his bag. Maybe Kuchar skips a ball over the water hazard onto the green and Kaymer has to follow suit.
So many possibilities. Might as well allow these Gods of golf to show off their true ability in fashion.
Bare Knuckle Brawls
Make it an event or make it a tie-breaking procedure. Mano y mano, fight to the death. Okay, maybe not the death, but you get the idea. Yes, we quickly broke down the result of each bare knuckle brawl based on the Sunday singles match play:
Patrick Reed over Rory McIlroy
It wouldn’t be an easy victory for Team USA, but Reed just oozes red, white, and blue and will smother Rory with a devastating choke hold for the win.
Henrik Stension over Jordan Spieth
Stenson is fucking ripped. Tough matchup for Jordan, but he really wouldn’t stand a chance.
J.B. Holmes over Thomas Pieters
I’m always taking the big boy from Kentucky in a bare knuckle brawl. Thomas Pieters is German so you cannot sleep on him, but body mass alone would propel J.B. to victory.
Rickie Fowler over Justin Rose
The age difference gives Rickie the edge, but I would fully expect the veteran Rose to fight until the last breath.
Rafa Cabrera Bello over Jimmy Walker
Cabrera Bello looks like a Spanish mobster so I’m assuming the dude has seen some shit. Walker is too frail to have a chance in this matchup.
Phil Mickelson over Sergio Garcia
Being the big time gambler that Phil is, you know he’s been in deep with the sharks at least once in his life. Wouldn’t be surprised if Phil is actually part of a California-based fight club. He probably can’t talk about it.
Lee Westwood over Ryan Moore
Westwood is a wily vet who's body mass is made up of pure brute force. One punch into the chest of Lee Westwood by Ryan Moore would result in a shattered fucking hand.
Brandt Snedeker over Andy Sullivan
I could see this matchup going either way, but Snedeker is agile for his height while Sullivan is a tad pudgy. Brandt’s reach alone would be too much.
Dustin Johnson over Chris Wood
Absolute slaughter. Make sure an ambulance is on site.
Brooks Koepka over Danny Willett
When Koepka sees Danny Willett in the ring, he’ll be reminded of Pete Willett’s absurd remarks about his fellow Americans and beat Danny to a pulp.
Martin Kaymer over Matt Kuchar
I love Kuchar, but you don’t mess with Martin Kaymer. I get nervous just watching Kaymer on TV busting out of his BOSS polo.
Zach Johnson over Matt Fitzpatrick
Is Fitzpatrick even out of grade school yet? Zach Johnson wins with ease.
USA would win the hypothetical bare knuckle brawls by a score of 8-4. Shocker.
What else (legitimate or funny) would you guys like to see in future Ryder Cups? Let us know in the comments below.