2016 Masters Picks: Brofessional Golfer Edition

Welcome to the Official Brofessional Golfer 2016 Masters Picks! The core squad here each submitted three golfers who have a legitimate shot to take home the coveted green jacket at Augusta National. We also rolled up our sleeves and reached into the bottom of the barrel to include our long shot Masters picks because Rudy is an American classic.

B Roe

Dustin Johnson

Who doesn’t love a big johnson amirite? I’m 6’7″ so I dont trust a anybody under 6 feet tall, which means I don’t trust anyone else that writes for this site. Johnson Will probably choke and miss a three foot putt, but that’s just him letting us feel like we can do something a PGA golfer does.

Bubba Watson

As most of you remember, Bubba Watson is a fucking prick. Sure he’s won the Masters already, but he seems like a whiny neighbor that you would never have over for a BBQ. He wears a visor, needs a haircut, and probably benches 45 pounds, all of which equal three strikes in my book. Lucky for him my book doesn’t mean shit. I gotta respect a guy that gives zero fucks so he gets a nod here.

Lee Westwood

Why? I honestly don’t have a clue. I just figured a Euro has a chance to win the Masters this year and it sure as hell isn’t going to be that loser Ian Poulter. Westwood has the most British name I could think of off the top of my head so here he is. It would be a classy win…which I base completely on British stereotypes. Hopefully Tom Hardy plays him in the movie about his amazing 2016 Masters win.

 

Schank

Rickie Fowler

No longer the kid on tour, Rickie is a legit contender each and every PGA tour major. Unlike some rookie analysts/writers out there, I didn’t even intro this piece by talking about Rickie’s one-piece neon outfit. Rickie now sports the clean cut look and has left that surfer bro look back in Cali. He’s got the girl. He’s got the money. Really all he needs and wants is a crisp green jacket from Augusta National…and he will get it. Whether it’s in 2016 or 2026, Rickie Fowler will have at least one Masters win in his lifetime.

Phil Mickelson

Lefty has really evolved into someone you either love or hate. I’ve been on both sides of the wagon in recent years. I can’t quite peg the guy. I don’t buy that anyone is that nice of a guy, but then again he is kind of living the dream. Bottom line is that Augusta is built for lefties. Phil is going to snake his Callaway ball around each and every magnolia throughout the course. He’ll be in some tight spots, but he’ll sneak out unscathed more times than not.

Matt Kuchar

I’m going to get some flak for this, but Mattie has been flirting with the top 10 each and every year at the Masters. He’s poised to make a move soon. The best part is that nobody will see it coming. While he may not seem like a competitive dude, Kuchar is only pretending to be the nice guy. Let everyone else in the field fall into his trap and sleep on him. His game is well built for the Masters conditions and Augusta and if the putter is hawt hawt hawt, watch out!

 

The People’s Golfer

Jason Day

With second (2011) and third place (2013) finishes at Augusta National to his name, and playing the best golf of his career, you’d be crazy not to pick Day to win the Masters. The guy is on another level right now. He is, rightfully so, the favorite heading into this week.

Jordan Spieth

The 22 year old eats up this weekend. Spieth has played in the Masters twice and has yet to finish outside the top 2. This guy is flat-out fun to watch. Safest pick around.

Dustin Johnson

This one was a toss-up between Rory and Dusty. Part of my decision may have been influenced by not wanting to take the top 3 Masters favorites. Maybe… Probably… But it just feels like no one is talking about Johnson the way they were talking about him last year. He’s a snake in the grass ready to strike this weekend. He doesn’t quite have the solid history at Augusta that the first 2 picks do, but hey, all he needs to do is string together four hot rounds. (Also, if he’s in contention, we get to see more Paulina)

 

Neves

Jason Day

If you have any semblance of a soul you have to root for Jason Day. His life story makes executives at Disney go from six to midnight. Not only is the guy the number one player in the world, his wife is a smokeshow. Brofessional Golfer has a study being released soon that states if a player’s wife is an 8.65 or better, said player has a 25% higher chance of winning a major. I’m sticking to the facts.

Angel Cabrera

Also known on tour as “El Pato” or “The Duck”, due to his waddling step, Angel Cabrera has always competed at the Masters. At 46 years old he has a swing that resembles your father’s unorthodox, but effective hack, yet can absolutely crush the ball off the tee. Cabrera doesn’t fit the mold of your stereotypical professional golfer, with his portly figure and chain smoking habit, but god damn the guy grinds on the links. Watch out for the Argentinean on Sunday.

Louis Oosthuizen

Lodewicus Theodorus Oosthuizen. This guy was destined for greatness the day he was named. This squirrely South African can hit the long ball, which is a necessary skill at Augusta. If we’ve learned anything from Michael Strahan, it’s when you have a monstrous gap between your front teeth you are a destined for greatness. You can bet Oosthuizen will stir things up on Masters Sunday.

 

Long-Shot Picks:

Schank – Jason Dufner

Jason Dufner Titleist

Dufner has given zero fucks for the longest of times. He is lurking in the field like a snake in the grass. It appears as if cleaned up his act mentally and physically, but it can’t be confirmed. Selecting Dufner to win the Masters is kind of like tossing $10 on double zero at the roulette table. When it happens, everyone is in utter shock, but at the same time, everyone knew that it had to land there eventually. Jason Dufner would arguably be the mascot for this site if we wanted to get sued so I had to throw him in here.

The People’s Golfer – Brooks Koepka

Brooks Koepka

I considered Justin Thomas in this spot but decided to opt for someone that has played Augusta before. Koepka drives the ball well, and putts and chips well enough. Golf’s youth infusion continues with a big weekend from the 25 year-old FSU alum.

Neves – JB Holmes

J.B. Holmes

This good ole boy from Kentucky is a long shot, but his technique of bombing it down the fairway resembles that of the great John Daly and chicks dig the long ball. Being from Kentucky, the only time Holmes has worn a blazer was probably his wedding day. That being said, he could definitely benefit from adding a green jacket to his wardrobe. Hell, you can bet your ass he would cut the sleeves off too. The main reason I picked this southern gentleman though is that he’s sponsored by Taco Bell. No further explanation needed there.

B Roe – John Cena

John Cena

Why? Because Cena is a true American Hero. Cena would let a Make-A-Wish kid fulfill a dream of being a caddie and then drop the greatest victory speech of all time. If you question this pick you’re a fucking commie and I hope Trump builds a wall big enough to keep you out of this country.

Need a more in-depth review of the 2016 Masters? Check out our Masters Week Preview!

 

Image Credits YoutubeYoutube, and Youtube

Trackbacks & Pings

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Close